The Hardest Illustration I've Ever Made
Updated: Mar 20, 2021
I did what I thought I was suppose to do and kept my pregnancy a secret. I even waited a few weeks past 12 weeks ‘to be safe’. Then just days after our big social media announcement, we announced that we, like so many others, had experienced a miscarriage and lost our first son. Did we regret announcing to the world we were expecting? Nope. There was beauty in connecting with others and we were shocked by how many people (including good friends we thought we knew so well) reached out who were also suffering.
I am 1 in 4. And once everyone knew, it was like I was welcomed into the club. An awful one to be a part of but at least I was in good company. I never felt alone.
When I was pregnant again, I did everything I could to push those sad memories and negative thoughts away. Perhaps it was to preserve what is suppose to be a magical time in my life and I didn’t want to feel paranoid or robbed of the excitement I so desperately wanted to experience again.
I’m extremely fortunate to report that bright days were ahead. Our rainbow baby, Chase, was born in 2017, and his baby brother Bodie was born late 2019.
In October 2019, after hearing news from friends that they had gone through yet another miscarriage, I was completely overcome with emotion. First, I was devastated for them and second, all of the unresolved feelings I had tucked away had resurfaced. Dammit feelings!
It was also October, which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. That’s when I knew I had to sit in my discomfort and remember. I drew an illustration of an oven, with no bun inside. It was emotional. Sadness that we never met our first baby, guilt because I wouldn’t have changed a thing (otherwise we wouldn’t have our Chase). Relief that my family is complete, yet heartbroken for all of the other families who are not.
I shared it on social media and was flooded with responses. I did my best to welcome those who felt alone into the club with open arms. The worst club.
I was able to best express myself through a digital illustration but there are many other creative outlets to choose from if you need. For example, you could write a letter, poem, song, create a collage, playlist, or special box with mementos inside, design a tattoo, piece of customized jewelry, etc. I encourage you to explore your creativity. It just might help.